Title: Friends
January 8, 2006
Pastor Stephen Robbins
No Greater Love Family Church, WI
Romans 14:1 Receive one who is weak in the faith, but not to disputes over doubtful things. A dispute is being in an argument. It says receive one who is weak in the faith but not into arguments, not into disputes, not into strife over doubtful things such as food, drink, holidays, and what day to worship on.
Now I don’t know about you but I have found that Christians have the tendency to be the most argumentative, and contentious bunch of people you’d ever meet. In essence, we should be some of the easiest people to get along with. The Bible tells us in Ephesians 5:21 to be submissive to one another in the fear of God. There should be a mutual submission, a mutual harmony amongst us. We should have an agreeable spirit and we should be easy to get along with. Christians today tend to be so filled with disputes, contentions, and strife. One of the reasons why Christians are so contentious is because they are very religious. They are following the law and following self-imposed beliefs and traditions, but they’re not very spiritual in producing the fruit of the Spirit. They have laws, traditions, and self-imposed beliefs but they aren’t very spiritual. They don’t produce any fruit. What comes out of their life is this: they don’t drink, they don’t smoke, they don’t cuss, they don’t do all these other things – but they don’t walk in love, they’re not very long-suffering, they’re not patient, they’re not kind, they’re not full of joy, and they don’t bring any peace into sad situations. They have all these self-imposed laws, regulations, and beliefs, but they don’t bear any fruit of the Spirit in their life.
In 1 Corinthians 3:3 Paul writes, “For where there are envy, strife, and divisions among you, are you not carnal and behaving like mere men?” If you’re a strifeful person – if you have friction between you and others, you’re argumentative, disagreeable, and hard to get along with – do you realize that if you’re like that, then you are CARNAL?
Do you realize that division comes out of arguments? When people argue, debate, and fight, division comes. James 3:16 says, “For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there.” Every evil work begins to take place because of envy and strife. It creates mistrust. It separates friends. It breaks up relationships. If there’s strife, what are you? Carnal. Think about the church of Corinth. What are they in strife about? They’re fighting about things that people consider spiritual things. Paul tells them they are carnal. They act like mere men. They’re acting just the way the world does.
People that have the Holy Ghost should not be difficult to get along with. If I’ve got the same Spirit you’ve got, and you’ve got the same Spirit I have, then why can’t we get along? We believe in the same God and the same Lord. We’ve got the same faith. We’ve all been baptized into the same body. Why are we having such a tough time getting along?
I’m always reminded of Acts 6 when it talks about how a dispute arose in the early church because the Hellenists’s widows were neglected in the daily distribution of food. Acts 6:2-3 says, “Then the twelve summoned the multitude of the disciples and said, ‘It is not desirable that we should leave the word of God and serve tables. Therefore, brethren, seek out from among you seven men of good reputation, full of the Holy Spirit and wisdom, whom we may appoint over this business; but we will give ourselves continually to prayer and to the ministry of the word." The Bible goes on to tell us that when the twelve presented it to the congregation the SAME pleased whole multitude. Everybody in the church agreed. That is an amazing thing. Nowadays you can hardly say two things that will make everybody happy.
Remember that where there is envy and strife, there is confusion and every evil work. Strife. Arguing. Have you ever seen arguments come about and by the end of it people are confused? God said I am not the author of confusion, but of peace. If God is not the author of confusion, who is? Satan is the author of confusion. When you open the door and confusion comes in, who is authorizing that? Satan. And what method does he use? For where there is envy and strife, there is confusion and every evil work. You get confused, every bad thing begins to happen, and you don’t know why. You’re confused. The door has been opened to the devil to come in and sow discord among the brethren. Once again, as Paul said, where there is envy, strife, and divisions, are you not carnal and behave like mere men? Strife brings about division.
Let’s talk about reasons why people have difficulties developing relationships. Now when I say relationships I mean on every level. I’m talking about good, healthy relationships when we have nothing to hide. Everything is out in the open. We’re honest. We’re transparent. Everything is out there and we’re not ashamed about it. Good relationships. Healthy relationships. Not dysfunctional relationships. I’m talking about healthy, strong, solid relationships.
A main reason why people have a difficult time developing relationships is because they, in themselves, have not learned how to be a complete individual. If you’re not a complete individual by yourself—if you don’t know how to stand on your own, be strong on your own, live your own life, and be that independent individual who knows how to stand on their own two feet as a whole individual—when you come into a relationship with somebody else and you’re a half of a person, then what are you going to bring into that relationship? You can only bring into a relationship what you already are as an individual. Sometimes, it’s not about working on the relationship. It’s about working on the individuals IN the relationship. Sometimes I think our focus is so distorted. We start working on the relationship. The relationship is not the problem. The problem is the individuals in the relationship. You can try to work on a relationship day and night, and it will not improve until the individuals IN the relationship improve. The reason they’re having difficulties is because, as individuals, they’re having difficulties.
I’m not just talking about boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife. I’m talking about all relationships. Most relationships have two half-full people. If you’re half full, what else are you? Half empty. So what happens is this; two people come into a relationship. They’re both half-full. One pours into the other person and then the one is full and the other is what? Empty. Either way, somebody is going to be empty and somebody is going to be full. Or are you both just going to be half-empty and half-full? What are you going to be? Dysfunctional. You’re always going to be pulling on the other person for something that you should have already had yourself before you got into the relationship. Because you don’t have it all by yourself, you’re trying to get it through somebody else who CANNOT DO IT FOR YOU. NOBODY can do it for you.
This is what God intended. Two full people. One comes over to the other person and pours in and what happens? Overflow. The other one comes over and pours into the other person and what happens? Overflow. I don’t need anything. I’m whole all by myself. I don’t need anything from anybody. I am whole. I am complete. I am full. Now if you come into my life, all I’m going to do is bless you, because I’m full. If you come into somebody’s life who’s half-full, they’re going to half-way bless you and half-way curse you. That’s the story of relationships right there.
In the Bible, when was it not right for man to be alone? In some cases, it IS right for man to be alone. When was it not right? You find out that when God said that in Genesis 2, the context of it is what had already happened. Three things. Adam has three things in his life before God said it is not good for man to be alone. These are three things everybody needs to have in their life before somebody else. Adam had a mission. He knew what he was called to do. He knew that he was called to cultivate, to tend, and to keep the garden. He had a mission. He knew the plan of God for his life. He knew the will of God for his life. He knew what he was destined to do. If I’m in a relationship with somebody else, how would I ever expect them to submit to me if I don’t even know what I’m doing? Think about the word submission. “Sub” means under. You’re asking somebody to come under your mission and you don’t even know what it is. Adam, by himself, had full, complete fellowship with God. He knew God. God knew him. He had free fellowship with God, walking with him in the cool of the day. He had God’s presence in his life. Now he’s has God’s mission and God’s presence. He has the Word of God in his life. God has spoken to him. God has told him things. God is ministering to him. Adam is getting so proficient at this that he is able to go around and name all the plants, animals and trees. If you don’t have God’s Word, God’s presence (fellowship with him), and if you don’t have God’s mission, it’s good for you to be alone.
It’s good to be alone until you’re that full, complete individual. People rush into friendships and relationships they are not prepared for. They get into it and they find out—this is messed up! Why is it messed up? Because you never learned how to be a whole individual!
Does anyone like omelets? If you’re going to make a good omelet do you need one good egg or two good eggs? You need two good eggs. Now if you have one good egg and one bad egg, you still have a bad omelet. In order to have one good omelet you need two good eggs. Two good eggs make one good omelet. But in a lot of cases it’s two bad eggs getting together trying to make a good omelet. The omelet is just like its eggs. You can blame it on the omelet—the relationship just doesn’t work, it’s just dysfunctional, the omelet is wrong—well, why was the omelet wrong? The eggs were wrong! The individual eggs were the problem, not the relationship. This is why people have difficulties developing any type of relationships or friendships. At work, they don’t know how to submit, they don’t know how to listen to the employer, they don’t know how to do things right. The reason they’re so dysfunctional is because, as an individual they have issues. Now they may not like to say that. It might be an easier cover-up; well my person at work is just this way. Or people over there are just this way. Or these people are just this way and that’s why we don’t get along.
I’m going to talk about some reasons why people have difficulty developing relationships with other people. 2 Cor. 10:12 “For we dare not class ourselves or compare ourselves with those who commend themselves. But they, measuring in themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.” Why would this be a problem in developing relationships—comparing yourselves among yourselves? I’ll tell you why it’s an issue. It shows insecurity. If you’re an insecure person, you’re always trying to out-do the other person because you have to be better than they are. If they’re better than you are in an area, your lack (weakness) shows up and you feel threatened. So you are comparing yourselves amongst yourselves. You are insecure. You’re always striving in that relationship, trying to out-do the other person. You’re in strife already in that relationship because you’re striving against the person and you don’t realize it. You have to be a secure individual to develop a good relationship with people. You have to be secure in who you are, what you are, who you’ve become in life. You have to be secure, you have to be stable.
Comparing themselves amongst themselves—it leads to two things. Pride or insecurity. You can be prideful and not know it. And there is difference between pride and confidence. There is a difference between pride and security. Pride is an overestimated opinion of yourself. I was looking at the definition of being haughty, which is linked with pride in the Word of God. Being prideful and haughty are linked together. Haughty means not only thinking so highly of yourself, but you actually look down and ill-esteem other people. You think you’re better. Because you think you’re better, everybody has to succumb to you.
People have difficulty developing relationships. Why? #1 is they’re insecure. They’re always comparing themselves. They’re always competing with one another, trying to out-do one another. They’re never just content. And so because of that they bring strife and constant striving in that relationship trying to out-do the other—because of insecurity. Another aspect of insecurity that interferes with relationships is pride. #2 is found in Proverbs 18:24 “A man who has friends must himself be friendly.” This is another reason why people don’t have friends. They’re unfriendly. It is hard to get along with them. Ask yourself this question. What kind of people do YOU like being around? That’s probably the kind of person others like to be around also. Friend, this is going to be a strong statement for some of you. If people do not like to be around you, you need to ask yourself WHY. I’m telling you, friend, if you want to get free in certain areas of your life, you have to accept challenging words in your life. You have to accept some things. Admit that there are some areas in your life that need some desperate work. I’m not saying you have to get condemned about it, but you have to face the facts. There are areas in your life that NEED to change. They MUST to change. Now.
Do you know what most people say? “I want everybody to be friendly to me. I want everybody to be nice to me.” That’s not what the Bible said. It says YOU be friendly. You’re waiting for everybody else to be friendly to you. But you are supposed to be friendly to them. Don’t wait for everybody else to do good. You be the initiator. You be good. You do good before anybody else does. If they do good or not does not matter. What you do matters. You can’t live their life. Friend, just choose to do the right thing. Choose to do good no matter what.
In ministry, I have found that as we’re helping people and encouraging people, and people are learning and growing in the Word of God, they want to begin to share and help other people. What they are not prepared for sometimes is the fact that when they go out to share and help and to minister to other people, they meet resistance. They don’t receive everything Jesus has to say. What makes you think they’re going to receive everything you’ve got to say? They’re so shocked when they meet resistance, but it IS going to be like this. There is always poor soil. Just sow the seed. The seed is always good. The seed is the Word.
In review, people have difficulty in relationships is because #1 they compare themselves and they’re insecure. #2 is they’re unfriendly and it is hard to get along with them.
Proverbs 27:6 “Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.” Notice that it says the wounds of a friend are faithful. You might say what in the world does that mean? Then it says the kisses of an enemy are deceitful. It means this. People in life would rather receive kisses (flattery). But don’t ever tell me anything bad. Don’t ever correct me. Just tell me how good I am. They’d rather have that than have a true friend tell them something that might hurt their feelings at that moment. “If you try to correct me or tell me something is wrong, then we’re not friends anymore.” They’ve got a wrong definition of friendship. Proverbs 27:17 “As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.” Do you realize that true friends make you sharper? How many people have so-called friendships today, and they are flushing each other down the drain? If somebody else comes up to you as iron sharpening iron (in order to do that, you have to be rubbing them each together), there will be friction. You’re going to be rubbing against each other some times. Iron sharpening iron. But nobody wants friends like that.
Returning to Proverbs 27:6. Another reason why people have difficulty in developing relationships is they’re dishonest. They’re not open about things. They’re not honest. They don’t share things. They just hide everything. Nothing is ever brought out. The reason why some of you don’t have good relationships is because if they tried to be iron sharpening iron, you would get offended. You would reject everything they said. You would get mad about it. Nobody can tell you anything. Again, it comes back to pride. You can’t tell a prideful person anything. Do you know how deceived you would have to be in order to be prideful? If you’re teachable, then people can tell you things. You can realize that you don’t know everything. You need to learn. You need to grow. There are areas that you’re developing in. That means you are teachable. If you’re prideful then nobody can tell you anything. It implies that you know everything already.
Matthew 18:15 “Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.” It says go and talk to them. When you go and talk to him, it says you gain your brother if he hears you. Notice that it says IF your brother sins against you; not if you think they sinned against you. Meaning they actually did sin against you. John 12. This is the story, of course, after Jesus has raised Lazarus from the dead.
John 12:3 “Then Mary took a pound of very costly oil of spikenard, anointed the feet of Jesus, and wiped His feet with her hair. And the house was filled with the fragrance of the oil. But one of His disciples, Judas Iscariot, Simon’s son, who would betray Him, said, ‘Why was this fragrant oil not sold for three hundred denari and given to the poor’?” Three hundred denari was about one year’s wages. Why did Judas ask why the fragrant oil was not sold for three hundred denari and given to the poor? Does that sound like a reasonable complaint? That does sound reasonable. Look at what the next verse, verse 6, says. “This he said, not that he cared for the poor, but because he was a thief, and had the money box; and he used to take what was put in it.” Notice he’s saying one thing but the real issue is something totally different. Oftentimes, what people say and what the real issue is, are two different things. The real issue is not that Judas thought that the money should be given to the poor. The real issue was that he was a thief. The real issue is that he was offended by this. He didn’t say what the real issue was did he? That’s what a lot of people do. They turn attention away from the real issue onto some other issue. They’re dishonest. They won’t say what the real issue is. They don’t want to face the real issue. They want to face some other side thing that’s not even the issue.
A reason why people have difficulty in their relationships is fear of rejection. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of rejection. Fear of getting hurt. There’s a saying that says it is better to have love and lost than not to have loved at all. Some people just choose not to love at all. There’s no opportunity for you to be offended or hurt because your feelings aren’t involved. You’re emotionally detached. Proverbs 18:19. “A brother offended is harder to win than a strong city. . .” Fear of rejection. Fear of hurt. People don’t like getting hurt. People don’t like being rejected.
Psalm 55:12-14. David is speaking. He says, “For it is not an enemy who reproaches me, then I could bear it. Nor is it one who hates me, who has exalted himself against me; then I could hide from him. But it was you, a man my equal, my companion and my acquaintance. We took sweet counsel together and walked to the house of God in the throng.” Now notice what disturbed David so much is that it wasn’t his enemy that hurt him. It was his friend. That’s what causes people much pain. If you don’t care, it doesn’t hurt. So what people do, because they don’t want to get hurt again, is they detach from everything. How do they push them away? Bad attitudes. That’s a good way to chase everybody away and that’s easier than dealing with people.
#1. People have difficulty developing relationships because of insecurity. They’re always comparing themselves. Pride gets involved there. #2. They are unfriendly. People can’t get along with them. #3. They are dishonest. #4. They fear rejection.
Proverbs 13:10 reveals a big reason for strife. At the same time, this is going to show you how to keep strife out of your life. Proverbs 13:10. “By pride comes nothing but strife. . .” Pride brings about strife because pride will never admit fault. It’s a blame-shifter. It’s everybody else’s fault but not mine. That curse came in from Adam. God, it’s not me; it’s the woman you gave me. And the woman says, God, it’s not me; it’s the serpent who beguiled me. The serpent turned around and there’s nobody left. No one else to blame. Pride never accepts fault. It’s never their fault. It will never accept responsibility. It will never accept the blame. You’re going to get into contention because “I’m right” and “you’re wrong.” Pride is the number one cause of strife. It is people’s unwillingness to yield; unwillingness to submit, unwillingness to do something. Even though their flesh is kicking against it, they refuse to do what’s right.
You have to understand some things about pride. Pride always wants to try to be different. It says, “I’m different than everybody else.” It says, “no one is like me.” People are all alike. We all have the same needs. The only affairs that we’re different in are our giftings. With the attitude of being different, you’re going to set yourself up high, and be haughty, and look down at everybody else. Pride always talks about itself. It has an overestimation of itself. It’s always speaking of itself. It’s all about me. Look at me. I’m different. That is a good indicator of pride.
A lot of times you see this amongst teenagers. They choose to just dress in a total radical style. They look totally different from everybody else. You know what that is? It’s pride. They just want to stand out so everybody will notice them. “Well, I’m different than everybody else.” No you’re not. You’re just like them. They might be full of pride in one area but you’re full of pride in this area. The Word of God is a great leveler. It puts us all right back in our place where we need to be.
Pride likes to be seen. This is going to sound different to some of you but you need to hear this. Pride, because it likes attention…now watch how corrupt this becomes. Pride, because it likes attention, it likes to be noticed; it will develop problems and develop issues. It will do things to try to gain people’s attention or people’s sympathy. Let me give you an example of pride. Luke 18:9. “And He spoke this parable to some who trusted in themselves. . .” What did they do? They trusted in themselves. That’s pride. They trust in themselves that they were righteous and despised others. Verse 10. “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank you that I am not like other men. . .” Pride. Now notice pride likes to be different from everybody else. You are no more special than everybody else. But what is pride trying to do? Build a false sense of confidence inside of people. You cannot go to the world for counseling, do you understand that? I’m telling you, their wisdom is so tainted by darkness. Continuing in Luke 18:11-14. “. . .I am not like other men—extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I possess. And the tax collector [notice how different he is], standing afar off, would not so much as raise his eyes to heaven, but beat his breasts, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, a sinner!’ I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.”
Pride does not want to receive orders. It doesn’t want to receive direction. You can’t tell it anything. Not only does pride bring about strife, but a good way to end strife is to be what? Humble. Admit fault. Admit you’re wrong. Admit you missed it. Don’t blame-shift. Instead of spinning it off on somebody else, just take responsibility. Because even if my point was right, maybe my attitude was wrong. Because if my attitude was right, I would not have been in strife in the first place. Because if I’m in strife, I’m what? Carnal. And acting like a sinner.
Proverbs 15:1 “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” If you want to put a stop to strife shut your mouth. Learn how to hold your tongue and hold your peace. People start to realize… you’re not saying anything back. You’re not arguing with me. You’re not getting involved with it. He’s not fighting back with me. What are they going to do? Stand there or walk away.
Proverbs 17:14 “The beginning of strife is like releasing water; therefore stop contention before a quarrel starts.” Strife is just that way. It builds and builds and builds and builds, and if you let it go, there’s no stopping it. It’s just going to flow out. The second you feel strife beginning, you need to stop, resolve the conflict, resolve the issue, get rid of it, forgive, don’t be offended; whatever you need to do, and just get over it. Where do people become weak and faint? In their mind. They keep rehearsing it in their mind and keep thinking about it. Then they faint in their actions. But they fainted in their mind first. People allow these things to continue in their thought life and persist in their thought life without ever casting down those imaginations.
Let the real issue become the real issue and deal with it. The problem is not the relationship. The people in the relationship are the ones with the problem and that is what’s creating the problem in the relationship. People can’t get along with other folks because they can’t get along with themselves. People have such a weak, poor self-image about themselves and see themselves. I’m talking about your attitudes, your words.
Proverbs 29:22 “An angry man stirs up strife, and a furious man abounds in transgression.” Notice an angry man does what? Stirs up strife. Proverbs 30:33. For as the churning of milk produces butter and the ringing of the nose produces blood, so does the forcing of wrath produces strife. Notice anger; wrath. Who you’re really upset with is you. You’re not the person you though that you’d be. You never measured up to who you could have been. All the broken promises. All the failed opportunities, all the things you should have been, could have been, would have been, but you are not. Hurting people hurt people. Offended people offend other people. Messed up people mess up other people. Unforgiving people create those same types of things in other relationships. Don’t be afraid to face hard facts; hard truths. If you’re going to change and grow in certain areas, you have to be willing to face these things. You can be challenged in an area and not be condemned. You can’t grow with condemnation. You have to get rid of that first.
Say this with me: I’m growing. I’m learning. I’m changing. My life is getting better. I am getting better. I’m not getting worse. I’m growing. I’m changing. My life is improving because the Word of God is renewing my mind and changing the way that I believe, think, speak, and act. The Word is registering in my heart. And my heart is good ground and I’m going to produce good fruit 30, 60, and 100 fold. There’s going to be a harvest of the Word of God in my life. The Word of God is going to be seen in my life. I’m growing. I’m not staying the same. I’m growing. Amen.
All Scriptures taken from
The Holy Bible, New King James Version
Copyright 1979, 1980, 1982
Thomas Nelson, Inc.
